So, how's daycare?

People ask me these days how I feel about Ben being in daycare. Questions range from 'do you feel free?' to 'is it hard?' and 'do you feel like a bad mother?' The answer to all is, yes. 

There is freedom to be found in having HOURS to myself. I am able to take long showers, and finish my coffee while it's hot, and sometimes even {gasp} read a book. There is freedom in weaning that baby. Yes, yes, I am aware that the W.H.O. recommends 2 years of breastfeeding, but for us 13 months was long enough, and for that time I am giving myself a gold-star.

It is hard to leave him, but it's not just at daycare. It's hard to leave him with a sitter, with a friend, or with anyone who is not Tim or my mom. Leaving my baby is always hard, especially when he cries and grabs my shirt so I don't let go. It breaks my heart in two, I hold it together until I'm out the door, then I cry too, and I pray to the good Lord to watch over him, to protect him, and to make sure that I am not scarring him for life.

And yes, sometimes I do feel like a bad mother, but I also know that I am not a bad mother. I am a damn good mother, and so are you, whether you stay at home or not, most of us are doing our best. The mothers I know are loving and kind, and want to raise loving, kind children, and they would all take a bullet for their kids.

Two days a week, for a few hours I get to be on my own, and it feels good and bad, strange and freeing. He's making friends, growing, and learning how to navigate the world without mom, while I am re-learning to be by myself, and we are both thrilled to see each other again when I pick him up. Maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder, even if just for a few hours at the time.


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