A tale of two brothers

You know the parable of the lost son? I was the younger son once.
I distinctly remember when this parable made me smile because my Father rejoiced in my homecoming. I was forgiven, He loved me so much He didn't let me earn my way back to Him, instead He ran to me and welcomed me. He changed me. We celebrated.

Years later the parable that once brought me joy now makes me angry. I have been so angry. The parable of the lost son brought me to my knees  again when I realized that this is not just a tale of a father and son. This is a tale of two brothers.

It was verse 29 that put the dagger in my heart when the older son tells the Father: But he answered his father: "Look, all these years I have been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends." The pain in my heart, the anger in my soul are wrenching because I recognize that I could have written that verse.  I became the older brother, and my obedience did not come out of love for my father, but out of want for what He can get me.

I did not want the Father, I wanted my Father's things. My own self righteousness  has led me to believe that because of my obedience I am owed what I want. How stupid can I be? Moreover, I feel like a first prize idiot for in my lifetime I have not only been one, but both sons in this parable. How did I ever manage that?

For months I've been stuck here, trying to figure out how to untangle myself from this mess. Asking in prayer for wisdom and a humble heart, but most of all, asking what it means to just want Him.

Finally the answer came to me in a song.

I was worshipping and in true amazement singing You are my King. Honestly thinking about how ridiculous it sounds that my Lord would die for me, the one person who's managed to alienate herself from God even when I thought I was serving Him.
Amazing love how can it be
That you, my king would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
It's my joy to honor you
Amazing love how can it be?
That you, my king, would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
Its my joy to honor you
In all I do I honor you
And as I sang this I could hear Him say: "In ALL you do, honor me, and me alone." And that  was my answer, that is what it means to just want Him. To obey His word not for my gain, but for His honor, to work to the best of my ability, not for the accolades, but so that He may be honored in what I do. To live where I am, and be content with it, because this is where He has placed me to honor Him.

After all these months I finally get it. You are my King. In all I do, may I honor You.


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